


If I Was A Better Person

by Bottom_PeteParker



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Ableist Language, Alcohol Abuse, Bullying, Canon Trauma, Childhood Memories, Depression, Disappointment, Emotional Hurt, Gay Mac, Implied Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Abuse, M/M, Memories, Mental Illness, No Sex, Not PC, Sad, Self Esteem Issues, The Waitress - Freeform, Wishful Thinking, after dennis' double life, canon substance abuse, canon typical language, canonically not pc, dayman, dennis is gone, i hate jack kelly, i need more mac/charlie but i know rcg doesnt want me to have my mac and cheese, implied macdennis - Freeform, implied past charlie/mac, implied past mac/charlie, its always sunny in philadelphia - Freeform, its always sunny in philadelphia season 12, mac has feelings, my boys deserve better, nightman, oof, paddys pub, past assault, thinking about the past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2019-06-10 00:00:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15279099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bottom_PeteParker/pseuds/Bottom_PeteParker
Summary: {takes place After Dennis' Double Life}After Dennis leaves, Mac is lost. He thinks about the life he missed out on.[mac/dennis is implied but mac/charlie is also implied.]**unedited**





	If I Was A Better Person

 

Mac ignores Dee as she rambles on about something a customer did in favor of another long sip of his beer, his seventh of the night. Frank has already gone back to the shithole apartment he shares with Charlie and soon Dee will be gone too, once she realizes that he isn't listening. It's his turn to close the bar tonight but Mac can't find it in him to go back the the apartment. Everything reminds him of Dennis, everything makes him feel more broken than he already was. Feelings of depression, worthlessness, and disgust are always present but this time he can't deny it. 

 

He absentmindedly registers Dee slamming down her beer bottle and storming out. Mac doesn't flinch when the glass shatters, he just stares at the spot on the floor. Sometimes, he feels a little bit bad for treating Dee like shit. She really isn't  _ that  _ bad, she's not as ugly as he says either. Dennis brings it out of him, he figures he should apologize at some point. Maybe if he was a better person he would've done it a long time ago, or maybe he wouldn't have fucked with her at all. She's crushed too, by Dennis leaving, even if she won't admit it. In his own fucked up way, the harassment showed that he cared. Dennis had a hard time expressing himself with all of his trauma and mental illness, Dee was sort of hardened by it too. But he kept her close, even if he was calling her a bird or shooting her down, he was trying to do it before anyone else did. She loved her brother. Mac loves her brother.

 

Years of self hatred, denial, and struggles with masculinity Mac tried to look back and see where he went wrong, where he could fix himself. Purposely picking apart a religion he honestly found boring, pretending to be badass when he was scared, showing off for Dennis, none of them made things right. Mac takes another sip as shoes and a mop come into his vision. At one point, they were black. The Vans were expensive, Charlie stole them from the mall in 2004, but now they were so god damn busted that Mac wondered how they were still together. They are dirty and grey and the red has faded to an off pink color. Charlie cleans up Dee’s mess as he quietly hums a song to himself.

 

The Reynolds kids changed them. These days Mac has been thinking about it a lot more. Memories of pre-Reynolds life is foggy. Untreated concussions, drugs, alcohol, and straight up refusal to acknowledge those days made it easier to deal with the life he suffers through every day. Dennis and Dee were competitive, privileged, and aggressive. Every little task had to be some elaborate scheme to try and screw the other out of something they wanted. Mac's toxic relationship with masculinity drove him to similar violence, at this point it's all he knows. Sure, Frank and Barbara fucked them up in the heads, they were just as messed up as Mac and Charlie, but it was different before them. “Hey man, are you like okay or whatever?” Charlie asks in a soft voice.

 

Mac and Charlie didn't really yell a lot, it seems like everyone is yelling all the time now. Mac shrugs his shoulders at his friend, not looking up. They always had each other's back no matter what. They were best pals and life was as good as it could get for two emotionally damaged poor kids in South Philly. They were safe together. “Char?” Mac needs to ask him, feeling sick to his stomach with the thoughts running through his head. “Yeah dude?” Charlie sets the mop against the bar and comes to sit in the stool one seat over from Mac. That's where Dennis always sat. Charlie used to be closer. “Do you remember how things used to be?”

 

Charlie just grunts, the question isn't clear enough for him but he's still listening. He doesn't usually understand, but he tries his best to listen. “Before Dennis?” Mac adds, hoping to find the answers to the question that even he can't understand. Charlie shrugs. “Dunno man, it's been a long time. I kind of don't remember a lot of stuff no good anymore."

 

Mac takes another swig, Charlie's brain melts a little more each day. He probably has some kind of learning disability, the drugs and booze and huffing glue probably don't help. Mac wants to comment about how retarded Charlie is, but he doesn't. A long time ago Mac felt proud whenever Charlie did some simple task that any  _ normal  _ person could do. It's not his fault that he's stupid, teachers never bothered trying to help him and his mom never stopped him from ruining himself. “Do you remember when I taught you how to spell your name?” Mac glances over and sees the corners of his mouth curl and he watches Charlie's eyes crinkle around the edges. “Of course. You told me it was….” Charlie sticks out his index finger and  slowly traces letters into the dust on the counter. “C- A- T. Yeah. Always wrote my name like that, until Dennis laughed at me for spelling cat. Cat is easier than Charlie...cats are awesome.” 

 

Mac remembers, CAT + MAC 4 EVR. He remembers the pride he felt when Charlie wrote the ‘A’ right. Charlie was so fucking stupid, Mac felt like he  _ had  _ to show him some stuff. Kids laughed at him for being dumb and it made him angry to see his friend so unbothered. Ignorance is bliss. It took Charlie a long time to understand that he was being bullied. Mac remembers reading to him and helping him count on his fingers, he recalls translating pictures and symbols. Dennis picked on Charlie for being dumb too, that was probably around the time that he stopped trying to help Charlie pass his classes. He used to want his friend to read more better to protect him from the teasing. 

 

Charlie slides his phone, he is  _ still  _ using a flip phone, over towards him. “Dude, Frank is real worried for me. Ever since Dennis left he's been all over me. He keeps texting me words and shit but I don't know what the hell he wants from me.” When they were younger, Charlie would ask for help. Now, he pretends to understand and he pretends like his illiteracy doesn't bother him. 

 

_ 2:43am| from  _ **_FRAK:_ **

  * _Come home Charlie. There's some Mexicans fighting in the hall. I think one of them has a knife._



_ 2:45am| from  _ **_FRAK:_ **

_ He got stabbed! The one with the faggot haircut got stabbed! _

_ 2:46am| from  _ **_FRAK:_ **

_ L...O...L! _

_ 2:47am| from  _ **_FRAK:_ **

_ Are you coming home soon? _

_ 2:49am| from  _ **_FRAK:_ **

_ If you aren't, I'm going to get a whore to bang. _

_ 2:49am| from  _ **_FRAK:_ **

_ If you come home watch out for the Mexicans. _

 

Mac feels guilty for seeing the messages. Frank wasn't a good dad to Dennis or Dee. He's probably Charlie's dad and he's still an ass. But Charlie doesn't get it. He always lied to Mac about his own dad, about his mom, just because Mac was too fragile to admit the truth. Charlie never wanted a dad, unlike Mac, but now that he sort of has one it is strange. After Dennis left, Frank was a little more on top of Dee and Charlie. He's trying, in his own strange way. Mac thinks of Dennis. “Frank's always like ‘Chollie stop doing this, come to the sewers with me, lets go shoot some cats, let's go do drugs with Pondy.’ He’s all up in my shit dude!” Mac decides not to read him the real messages, Frank hasn't really changed a lot, it's his same bullshit. “That's exactly what he said in the texts.” He owes Charlie a lie about those kind of things.

 

Mac picks up the phone and stares down at it. Why the fuck would Frank even text him, knowing he can't read. He clicks towards the message home page, selecting a different chat log. 

 

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ yoo desurv to be treetid betr _

**-READ**

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ plees tawk _

**-READ**

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ i luv yoo _

**-READ**

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ wil yoo maree me _

**-READ**

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ i no yoo need luv frum sum won. _

**-READ**

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ i need luv to _

**-READ**

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ wey dowt yoo luv me _

**-READ**

_ 3/16/18| to  _ **_WAYTRIS:_ **

_ wey duz no won luv me _

**-READ**

 

Mac feels sick and closes the phone, handing it back to Charlie. Poor guy, he has a good heart. He is just too fucked up to do it the right way. The Waitress is a bitch and doesn't deserve a guy like him, Mac is an asshole and doesn't deserve a friend like him. He realizes that Charlie is humming again, absentmindedly gnawing on the handle of one of the lime knives. Mac takes it out of his mouth and sets it down. Charlie just gives him a dopey smile and zones out again. The quiet between them feels strange but Mac notices it more and more every day. When Dennis was here, Mac would always focus in on him. What would make Dennis think he's cool? What does Dennis think about this shirt? What can I do to impress him? Mac rarely talks to Charlie anymore. Even when they make plans, Mac tries to make sure he's partnered with Dennis. They don't hang out anymore. They did everything together their whole lives, but looking back at the past few years Mac can see himself pulling back. Charlie never seemed to notice.

 

When they were kids they'd sleep over each other's houses every night. They'd walk to school together, get into trouble together, and they even held hands if nobody was around. Charlie would tell him all his stupid little ‘secrets’, things like finding a dead wasp on his windowsill. Dumb shit was precious to Charlie and he would make Mac swear never to tell anybody about his treasures. Mac would tell Charlie his fears, he let Charlie's ramblings soothe him. Now, he doesn't even remember when Charlie's birthday is, the last one they celebrated was when Charlie got the rat stick. 

 

“Shits bumming me out man...Im feeling real down.” Charlie breaks through his thoughts. Mac leans in, just a little closer, and puts his hand out on the bar. Charlie is weird about touching, Mac used to put his hands out and pray that his best friend would take it. He used to think holding hands was gay, he used to think he'd ruin Charlie even more by wanting to hug him or hold him. It's a gesture he hasn't done in at least a decade. Charlie squints at his hand, like he wants to hold it, but then he looks at the stool. Dennis used to call them queers for holding hands, maybe Charlie can hear his voice in his head too. Mac pulls his hand away. “What's wrong buddy?” 

 

Charlie sighs loudly, Mac suddenly notices how much Charlie smells like Fight Milk. He's absolutely drunk on crowtein. “I'm lonely and shit all the time. I wish Dennis was back so we could all hang out. Everyone's depressed and really sad.” Charlie's words are slurred. Mac feels bad for not noticing. “I'm here bro, what do you want to talk about?” Charlie shakes his head violently. He's a lot calmer now, compared to when they were kids. His outbursts are for different reasons and his feelings are intense in new ways. He doesn't kick or bite as much, he screams more but he doesn't flail around. “Cant talk to you, Dennis isn't here to make it sound more gooder.” Charlie mentions Dennis again, it's like a stab in the heart. “We've been best bros forever Charlie, we don't need Dennis.”

 

It's a lie. Apparently, Charlie knows it too. “We sort of do. We aren't friends anymore. I thought that since he's gone you'll like me again but now you hate me even more. Frank and Dee are being weird and I kind of just want to be back to normal so it won't feel so crappy.” 

 

In highschool, when they started hanging out with Dennis, Charlie hated him. Dennis would talk about rich people stuff and sex, he'd purposely try and outsmart Charlie or trick him into doing things. It had been Mac and Charlie alone against the world for so long, he was uncomfortable. But he went wherever Mac went, usually to be with Dennis. Mac would be an ass to him too, not in the way they usually messed around. He wanted to impress Dennis. There's a vague memory of Charlie close to tears with his fists balled, claiming that Mac was replacing him with Dennis. There were no more Pigeon Boys or rock wars, it was all about banging girls and being mean to others. Over time, probably around junior year, Charlie got used to him. Charlie likes Dennis now, Mac always thought they were friends. They were the Gang. “Charlie, you're my buddy. I don't know why you don't think I want to hang out with you.” Charlie shrugs. “I'm okay with you being gay with Dennis. But you always have to push me away to show off and shit. You've spent so many years pretending to be some weird asshole when people liked you when you were just Mac.” 

 

Charlie has always known Mac was gay. Everyone says they've known, but Charlie knew for real. They were each other’s first kiss. They were young but Mac recalls feeling at peace when his friend was with him. They didn't have to worry about his parents, about God, about Charlie's uncle or the assholes at school. They held hands and gave each other little kid kisses when they were sad. Mac used to tell Charlie that they could live in an awesome house together one day and just go on adventures all the time. After highschool Mac moved in with Dennis and Charlie lived on his own in that shitty apartment. Mac never thought Charlie was gay, but he did stuff to make Mac happy. He’d hug him and give him tight lipped kisses and hold his hand. Mac believes that they were in love, even if they never wanted to bang or do real queer shit. It makes Mac think back to the Waitress. Charlie doesn't really seem to want to bang her, nobody stalks someone for years because they want a one night stand. Charlie just thinks that's what love is. His mom was a whore and his uncle molested him, the only love he knew was from Mac. Charlie never judged him, Charlie never hurt his feelings to show off. Maybe they were too young to be boyfriends, maybe that's not what that was. But they were more than friends in a way that meant the world to Mac. He  _ did  _ push Charlie away for Dennis. 

 

“It was easier when he was here. There was a reason.” Charlie picks at the chipped wood on top of the bar. He doesn't sound sad, he seems thoughtful. It's rare for Charlie to have these moments of clarity. There's nothing Mac can say to fix his mistakes. Maybe, if he was a better person, he would at least try. They went through hell together, they've seen each other grown and change and hurt. They've always been together. But the days of Cat + Mac are long gone, drowned in alcohol and gasoline. 

 

“Frank is mad that I keep pissing the bed. I think he's going to kick me out.” Charlie just moves on, right to a new topic, like he didn't just call Mac out for abandoning him emotionally. Charlie has always been a bedwetter, something Mac just filed under the side effects of Charlie's retardation. He read somewhere online that maybe it could be because of the sexual abuse he suffered as a kid, it could be an anxiety thing. Mac sometimes wonders if Charlie even remembers what Jack did to him. Maybe it really is blocked out from all the brain rotting substances. Mac remembers when Charlie first confessed it to him, what Jack did in their bedroom. At fourteen years old Mac got in his first real fist fight, Bonnie Kelly had to run up the stairs and pull Mac off of Jack, his nose broken and his face bloody. Mrs.Kelly was a coward for never addressing it, for never helping him. Even if Charlie doesn't remember, Mac feels strong when Jack comes around and gets that nervous look in his eyes when they make eye contact. He protected his friend. When he read the script for the Nightman Cometh he knew he was the Dayman. He felt happy. They never said a word about it. “I'm sure Frank isn't going to kick you out. He's the one that shits in the bed for fun.” Charlie smiles at him like he actually said something of substance.

 

Every freckle on his face seems aged, Charlie suddenly looks really old. He always treats him like a kid, Charlie kind of acts like a kid, but Mac never noticed how  _ old  _ he looks. It always almost feels like they haven't changed since 2005. But they have. Charlie has more muscle now, from all the Charlie Work that Mac tries not to feel guilty about. His beard is a little grey and his eyes are a little softer. He has a lot less teeth in the back. Mac has changed a lot, he was a little twink and then he was fat and now he's beefy. He's tall, taller than Charlie. His hair is greying as well and his tattoos make him feel dumber more and more each day. They're both older. Mac wants to ask Mrs.Kelly if she has pictures of them when they were kids. Charlie's hair was so soft and fluffy when they were little. They aren't on that level anymore, the one where Mac could ask to touch it. 

 

Mac starts to pay attention again, looking away from the side of Charlie's face and blinking back into the present. The beer is flowing through his veins and it's easy to get lost in his head. Charlie is coloring now, Mac has no idea where he got the chewed on crayons or beat up notebook. Charlie liked to draw for him. Mac probably still had the collection of art under his bed. Charlie's a shit artist but it's the thought that counts. The day after getting the lottery ticket Charlie drew him a rainbow, and for the first time in years he didn't immediately throw the paper out. Mac moves over onto the stool, willing the thoughts of Dennis to settle after weeks of heartbreak. At least for now. Charlie looks at him and he pretends not to notice. 

 

It's nice to sit with Charlie, even if he smells like rat guts and body odor. Its gross, but so is Charlie. Mac has always admired that about Charlie, for the most part he doesn't care what people think of him. “You want a paper?” Charlie nudges him with his elbow. Mac smiles as he rips it out, the little dotted lines are no match for Charlie's tearing and the one side of the paper is completely jagged. Mac picks up a crayon, trying to think of something to draw. Charlie drew bashed rats and spidery crabs. Mac draws a flower. Dennis would have probably made a joke about it being gay, even though Mac is openly out of the closet now. Charlie starts to draw stick figures, each of them labeled. WAYTRIS, FRAK, D, and CAT. “Now that Dennis is gone are you going to get fat again?” 

 

Charlie wasn't mean to him about being fat, not unless someone made a joke first. He made comments, sure, but Mac always felt like it was more based in health concerns. Dennis thought he was ugly. Charlie thought Mac was cool, Charlie liked things that disgusted Dennis. Mac noticed that Charlie liked to copy his stance when his hips were wider, that Charlie ate a little more. Just like when they were kids, Charlie just did whatever he did. Mac shakes his head. “Nah.” Charlie draws his stick figure, focusing very hard to keep his hand steady when he made the arms curly. “Those are your muscles.” Mac smiles.

 

He draws a cat for Charlie on the paper, a big purple one with red mittens. It makes him smile. Charlie doesn't smile at him like that anymore, the expression looks different surrounded by an unkept beard. Mac folds Charlie's drawing carefully and puts it into his pocket. They agree to walk to Charlie's apartment together, since Charlie can barely walk. They hold hands, just like when they were kids. Charlie giggles and he can't walk in a straight line, but Mac lets himself be pulled. 

 

When they get to his front door, Charlie turns around. “Mac?” Charlie's eyes are wide and his face is close, still smiling. His cheeks are pink and he sways a little, placing his hand on Macs bicep to steady himself. They're close. Mac's heart beats faster.

 

Maybe if he was a better person he would've told Dennis off back in highschool. 

 

Maybe him and Charlie could go to a therapist, a real one, and get more better after dealing with all of their issues.

 

Maybe Mac would be fat and Charlie's brain wouldn't be so melted and useless.

 

Maybe they wouldn't yell so much, maybe they would talk more.

 

Maybe Dee would be a friend, the normal kind, or maybe they wouldn't know her at all.

 

Maybe Charlie would be a famous artist and Mac would be a weightlifter.

 

“Yeah Charlie?” Mac leans in a little, letting Charlies eyes pull him in. He sounds quiet. He looks down at Charlie's chapped lips and thinks about his unbrushed teeth, finding that he doesn't really care about those things right now. He thinks about Frank on the other side of the door, but he can't bring himself to think about it too much past it.

 

“Do you think Dennis is going to come back?” He doesn't look sad, he doesn't look any kind of upset. He looks happy and drunk. There aren't a lot of hidden meanings in his gestures. “Mac, if he comes back can you give me back my picture? So I can draw him in?” Charlie sways again, closer this time.“Do you think he's coming back?” Charlie asks again, their lips almost touching.

 

Dennis is a fucked up person with the same flaws as the rest of the Gang. He can't survive in a world that doesn't revolve around him, he breaks everything that crosses his path. Hes tried to change in the past, most of them had. Hes failed, Mac knows the kind of man that he is. Macs eyes flutter shut and he whispers, his lips a fraction away from Charlies. 

 

“I hope he does.”

 

If it was anyone else, they would have been crushed but Charlie is still smiling. It's almost like the moment wasn't as charged as it is, in the fantasy world that he's created in his head. He turns around and opens the door, stumbling in. Mac catches a glimpse of some hooker on the pull out bed. 

 

In the morning, Charlie probably won't remember this conversation, he probably won't even care if he does. Mac can try to be more present in his life, like the old days, but Charlie probably won't notice. He'll still be forced to do dangerous and filthy Charlie work, Mac will probably still be an asshole to him and Dee.

 

If Mac was a better person, he would've asked to kiss Charlie.

 

If Mac was a better person, he would've chosen Charlie in the first place, he would've been at  _ their  _ apartment right now.

 

If Mac was a better person, he would spend the rest of his second act with the only person who has ever truly loved him, regardless of flaws and fuck ups. 

 

Maybe, his brain is melted too. 

 

Mac isn't a good person, he’s too broken to make the obvious choice. He's too fucked in the head to be with someone who wants to be with him. He's too damage to feel like he deserves the happy what-ifs.

 

He goes home and leaves a sad, drunken message on Dennis’ voicemail, begging him to come back to the bar. He sobs into his phone and falls asleep on the bathroom floor. 


End file.
